the red rose;
mello
sweet sixteen
romantic dreamer
bipolar
cynical
an oxymoron
loves witty people
song pusher and addict
in a nutshell, nothing but sarcasm and a little glitter


layout and photo: ally

Monday, August 29

yes i am at home at noon on a monday. i didn't really plan to stay home, but i've got really bad cramps so why bother struggling through a 7-5 day in school? hah we've almost finished our pw. i can't believe we actually got work done. hahaha. i realised that i actually like the exhilaration of rushing. the adrenaline rush actually brings me to life. when i think about the times i had to meet deadlines, when there were things to do. times when i was a monitress, a PL, and the icf before i was a PL. literally running around getting things done. the way we sat together and thrashed ideas out and worked to bring our ideas alive. i realise i love neglecting my school work for other higher priorities like the class and cca. i wouldn't say i thrive on stress. i don't, not really. i end up with really bad migraines and horrible moods. but i slacken naturally when there's nothing to do.

i like working in teams. i miss the PLC 03/04. because we made such a great team. instinctively. siti was the whistle-blower, the one we looked up to automatically, and yet the craziest one at times. mellie was the crazy high one who screamed and laughed a lot, provided lots of wacky ideas, and didn't mind shouting at the girls. mich was the quiet gentle one who slapped serene's leg once. nanz was another wacky-idea provider, although with less screaming. bev was the creepy one who helped with the scripts, the testwork woman. nithya was another gentle one who blew up at the juniors occasionally. sam blew up all the time, another perfectionist with an acid tongue. serene was on a never-ending high and provided lots of crappy ideas that sometimes worked haha. eunice was our baby with artistic talents. kristie was kinda MIA, but oh well. and i guess i was the sarcastic one who insisted on perfection. remember how our ae committees suited us so perfectly somehow? nanz and eunice for deco/banner. serene and sam for gateway. nithya and i for souvenir. kristie and bev for recept. ahhhh.

all right i shall go play the piano now. i really hope i can pass my exam. must memorise scales in 2 days. somehow i always blank out. and my pieces sound terrible when i'm terrified.
it must've been love.
12:10 pm

xoxo

Sunday, August 28

just watched van helsing. kate beckinsale's so hot. ah hahaha.

shit i should have been playing my pieces instead. what if i can't pass damnit??? studio practice tomorrow. ms pang is going to kill me. i don't have time to practice before that. it's too late now, and i can't play the piano before school. oh dear oh dear oh dear. i am drowning in guilt. plus i haven't done any homework or studied for chinese test or anything.

well things are just gonna have to work out. somehow, someday. i'm going to see you riding that white horse. i'm not in love with a single person. i guess i never am, never was. it's an ideal i seek. it just so happens that some people fit the mould? i love my display picture. blueface. the sheer visible chemistry.. would you believe me if i said i can sense the chemistry between them, even from the distance of a length of a class bench? well. believe me. because i can. it isn't that she's breath-takingly hot or anything excusable like that. it's just that aura i guess. some people have this way of giving off this aura that automatically makes me want to follow them to the ends of the earth. yes i am an utter idiot. because ultimately, no matter what i say.. i still believe in fairytales.

i like this song - it's so chirpy! haha. love in the first degree. and yes i would stand guilty of love in the first degree if i had to.
it must've been love.
10:16 pm

xoxo

Saturday, August 27

ahhhhhhhhhhh. i just read katherine paterson's lyddie again for the first time in years and i cried so hard i don't know how i'll go to church tomorrow with swollen eyes. it's just a book for heaven's sake. i hate myself.

i keep hearing her words [how can i hear them, when i only read them? but i can imagine her choked voice, forcing back tears that she didn't dare shed for years] --

"Well," she said, arranging her apron on her lap. "well, then? " It was as much of a question as she could manage.
"I got good news, Lyddie," he said, a little of the boy she knew creeping into his voice. Her heart rose.
"The Phinneys have taken me on as full apprentice."
"Ey?"
"More than that, truly. They treat me like their own. They don't have no child but me."
"You got a family," she said faintly.
"You'll always be my sister, Lyddie. I don't forget that. It's just..." He put the carpetbag on the floor and laid his cap carefully on top. His hands were big now, too large for his body. Finally he looked up at her. "It's just -- I don't have to worry every morning when I get up and every night when i lie abed. I just do my work, and every day, three times, the food is there. When the work is slack, I go to school. It's a good life they give me, Lyddie--"
She wanted to scream out at him, remind him how hard she had worked for him, how hard she had tried, but she only said softly, "I wanted to do for you, Charlie. I tried--"
"Oh, Lyddie, I know," he said, leaning toward her. "I know. But it weren't fair to you. You were only a girl, trying to be father and mother and sister to us all. It were too much. This'll be the best for you, too, ey. Don't you see?"
No! she wanted to howl. No! What will be the use of me, then? But she kept her lips pressed together against such a cry. At last she said, "There's Rachel..."
He smiled again, his grownup smile that turned him into a stranger. "I have good news there, too. Mrs Phinney asked me to bring Rachel back. She craves a daughter as well. And she'll be so good to her, you'll see. She even sent a dress. She made it herself for Rachel to wear on the train. With a bonnet even." His eyes went to the carpetbag beside the chair. "She's never had a proper ma, Rachel."
She has me. Oh Charlie, I ain't perfect, but I do my best. Can't you see? I done my best for you. She's all I got left now. How can I let her go? But even as she stormed within herself, she knew she had no choice. Like the rusty blade through her heart she felt it. If she stays here with me, she will die. If I cling to her, I will be her death.

:
:
:

She climbed the stairs like an old, decrepit woman, clinging to the banister and pulling herself up step by step. Rachel was fast asleep. She would not wake her. In the candlelight she studied the lovely little face. Too thin, too pale, the skin nearly transparent. Lyddie brushed back a curl that escaped its plait and smoothed it against Rachel's cheek. Any minute she would start to cough, her little body wracked, the bed shaking. Mrs Phinney would keep her safe. She could go to school. She would have a good life, a real mother. And she will forget me, plain, rough, miserly Lyddie who only bought her ribbons because she was shamed to it. Will she ever know how much I loved her? How I would have gladly laid down my life and died for her? How, O Lord, I am dying this very minute for her?
She took out the dress. It was a lovely sprigged muslin. It looked too big for Rachel's tiny frame, but the child would grow into it. She would lengthen and fatten and turn once more into a stranger. Lyddie's tears were soaking the dress. She wiped her face on her own apron skirt, then laid out the new garments - the frilly little bonnet with ribbons and lace, a petticoat fit for a wedding. A length of pink ribbon was woven in and out all around the top of the hem, wasted, pure waste where no one would ever see it. Except Rachie.
She packed the bag. It took less than a minute. Rachel had so little. She remembered the primer, and then decided to keep it. Rachel would have a new one, a better one now. She took the book of verses off the nightstand and shut it in the bag, then took it out again. She got her box of writing materials, dipped her pen in the ink, and wrote in painful, careful script on the fly leaf: "For Rachel Worthen from her sister Lydia Worthen, June 24, 1846," wiping her face carefully on her apron as she wrote so as not to blot the page.

yes i am obsessive enough to type out the bits that made me howl into my pillow. for ally's viewing pleasure. but you must read the whole book or it won't have as great an impact. the front's all about how her mother's mad, and she's only 13 years old, trying to keep her family together without a father. her mother sends her and her brother charlie away to work, taking her younger sisters [one dies] to her evil brother-in-law's house to live. lyddie wants to earn enough money to pay off the debts and move the family back to their tiny farm, but the farm gets sold and her mother dies too, her siblings are adopted by someone else and she suddenly has no more reason to work like a horse. there's a happy ending in another book, jip, by katherine paterson too. yay!

i like studying with nanz. she doesn't talk too much or too little. she isn't too restless or too still. she isn't too know-it-all or too clueless. basically, i like studying with her =D and the SA notes are great. hah. so much for my mother refusing to let me go to SA cos their notes aren't as good. my foot. i don't even recieve notes for international history, thank you very much.

it is saturday night. i have much to do. i'm not doing it. i ought to take my inspiration from lyddie! i like the picture in front. she isn't hot, like darryll rivers from malory towers. but you can tell she once stared down a bear. i wonder if i'll ever know anyone with that kind of gaze. fiery, intense. yes i know it's just a picture, but who's to say that you exist?
it must've been love.
10:33 pm

xoxo

Thursday, August 25

i could build a tower out of steel and stone, but trying to build a bridge to you is something i can't seem to do.

i hate myself so much i wrote and deleted an entry 3 times.

let's go on playing make believe, maybe we'll fool more people than just us. misery loves company.

i. miss. chris. i can't bear to drink jasmine tea now. i haven't eaten ruffles in ages. i haven't even studied in about that long. i think i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms. i must have been addicted to the friend of my heart.

jean. she's so busy these days i wonder if she takes time to breathe. maybe not. 10 years ago we were wide-eyed innocents in primary one. remembering the projects we did. all the bubble-tea drinking during the craze. how we used to wear tshirts and shorts all the time - and now look at us.

jan. another busy person. i find i have nothing to say, because i don't want to change the status quo. ignorance is bliss.

gen. it's been ages since i sat next to her and napped with my head on her shoulder or lap. it's been ages since i teased her and bullied her and wrote poems based on her ideas and drawings. sometimes i'm convinced there's no shoulder more comfortable to lie on than hers. she's never let me down.

bev. the one who was closest to me in terms of freakishness. who understood self-mutilation and suicide tendancies and burning anger. and who at the same time freaked all of us out by touching our hair very slowly and hugging us from behind.

dil. i've never quite forgotten what it was like to sneak upstairs during recess in lowersec and have fries picnics in the classroom after art lessons on wednesdays. sitting in front of her and driving her crazy. plaiting the tiny ends of her already plaited hair. teasing her about 'woting'. i regret allowing the friendship to drift apart a little in uppersec when we sat at different ends of the classroom. how odd it is to look at things this way.

lyne. after she left in sec4, things changed inherently. we don't even speak now. much. at least. if we were to, there would be a gap too big to fill. we've grown apart. once upon a time we were sworn sisters. i wonder, if i tried, if we could get back to that stage. but a part of me doubts it. things are too different now.

ling. one of the hardest friendships i've ever had to upkeep. because we're so vastly different. but for all that i really do appreciate the times she's flown wherever i've needed her, at the eleventh hour, without complaint.

when things break, pick the pieces up and glue them together again. the cracks aren't pretty, but you can turn them into part of the design. and if you cut your fingers on the broken pieces.. well there's always someone to kiss them better.
it must've been love.
9:22 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, August 24

i realise anyone could easily guess my new password, but maybe i don't care because who the hell would want to waste their time reading ramblings? the whole password procedure is simply for the sake of my mistrustful sanity.

i realised i'm not the only one who gets dizzy in bright, crowded places. annie does too! haha phew i thought i was a freak. going to ikea or really big shiny libraries makes me feel tired and hurts my head. i guess this means i can't be a librarian when i grow up. oh well.

yay annie rocks!! she told me fwah's name!! but she didn't tell me how it's spelt or anything. i told her i don't really like her name, and she said it's because i can't pronounce it, which is quite true.. i took all of five minutes to roll my tongue around the words. yes it's chinese. it really brightened my mood. haha see, the little things! i don't care that she's attached, it's not like i expected anything. it's just a pleasant distraction.

we came up with baby names during econs! =D in an attempt to girly-fy 'darryl', we came up with 'darylle'. so my first child [of course she will be a girl] will be named 'janevieve darylle' [a tribute to both gen-not-a-hammie and jan], and if she's girly she can use either name. if she's tomboyish she can go along with darryl. see i'm so considerate =D second child [also a girl] will be called 'aurora donne'. i wanted aurora dawn, since they both mean the same thing, and are such pretty names, but i realised that it would be awful if she didn't turn out girly and had two girly names. once again, note my consideration!! haha she can call herself don if she likes, i really wouldn't care. it's nice to have a choice sometimes. shall think about chinese names later. hopefully they'll include musical / poetic connotations. please note that in the event that i do not marry [highly likely], i'll just adopt two girls instead and raise them to heartbreaking perfection.

sick of my exam pieces. played a2 and b2 twice, then felt irritated at everything and played 'wish' and 'forbidden love' instead. somehow, it's easier to play if you imagine the scene, if you imagine the heartache and longing and angst. and project those emotions into your fingers as they dance across the keys..

i guess all i want is fresh air and a little sunlight, lots of pretty scenery and someone nice by my side. cut out humidity, excessive heat and insects, and i'll be happy. a lyre-playing minstrel would really make my day =D

it must have been love, but it's over now.
it must have been good, but i've lost it somehow.

not all who sing love songs are lovelorn.
it must've been love.
8:10 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, August 23

i made the huge mistake of watching a bit of tv over dinner. for some reason my mother was watching heartlanders. the only tv show she watches is friends. anyway now i'm frightened out of my wits, and i keep seeing the face of that girl at the back of my mind.. that long hair and fairly pretty face with those psychotic eyes.. and the creepy music they kept playing.. ahhh!!! i screamed and ran upstairs when i realised she was going to kill someone. scary scary possesive and psychotic people! oh dear now i have another fear to add to my list. i don't want to turn out as depressed as van gogh or as psychotic as sonia from the show. and now i keep glancing over my shoulder. arghhh. blasting music.

today was a terrible day. of course i didn't do pe. but i felt so sleepy in lit i kept shaking my leg vigorously, irritating everyone i'm sure, and grumbling to myself. pw sucked - mdm tay knows i faked the survey. if i could start over, i wouldn't fake the survey. but obviously we can't tell her the truth now. even though she knows that we know that she knows. we just have to go through with the ridiculous facade. the thought of it makes me nauseous. i've never cheated like this before.. but we had to..

very tired. i'm always grumpy by the time school ends close to 5 on tuesdays. bought an icecream and dropped half of it on the road. left my handphone with annie. was so utterly depressed by the time i dropped 55cts into the ticketing machine on the bus [i forgot to bring my wallet to school, oh joy] that i wanted to hurl myself off the bus and onto the road. but that would be utterly ridiculous right? imagine - girl, seventeen, committed suicide by lying on the road because she faked a survey in project work, couldn't face the idea of her piano exam, and hated school. hur. sometimes i think my life's a joke, and God's up there laughing away. other times i'm convinced this world doesn't exist.

and now my fingers hurt. have to type out my hist paper later. that makes it seem as if i actually wrote something on paper right? well i haven't even researched yet and it's due tomorrow. great great joy. played the piano for almost 2 hours straight. unfortunately all 3 pieces are quite fast, my scales have to be played fast, and the first piece is ff for almost the entire 4 pages. was quite worried that i might actually hurt my fingers but i didn't dare stop. you know that feeling, when you seem to be on instant play? you play a wrong note, and your hands zoom back into position, and play it again and again and again, mindlessly, because you're so tired your brain isn't functioning anymore.. and you have to shake yourself to stay focused and get it right. when your fingers are so sore that playing the trills is excruciating. this is why i only do exams every other year. i need to rest and enjoy life in between. sigh. by the time the lesson was over, i was breathing heavily. i don't want to practice anymore today. it's just so frustrating to get things wrong.

staring down at my hands just now as she drilled me through my scales, i realised that the scale of d minor harmonic, octaves apart, legato, reminds me of an open fan somehow. odd isn't it? maybe it's because all the notes are natural except b minor and c major.

off to read history and write the essay soon.

it must have been love but it's over now.
it must've been love.
8:41 pm

xoxo

Monday, August 22

love is one of those enigmas you spend your entire life trying to define, only to find that definition has blinded you to its inexplicable beauty.

i realised during chinese today that i spend too much time trying to define love and not enough time loving. but before you kowtow as liz nearly did, i wrote it in english.

trying to decide whether or not to do pe tmr. oh, the trauma of swim pe! of which 8 weeks i have attended none. i really don't fancy letting my wobbly bits hang out. sigh.

history test tomorrow. haven't started studying. oh dear. too busy listening to songs. and chattng. history term paper due soon too. and lit essay. math tutorial. poor teachers.

i think i scared janet this morning with my weird ramblings on eternity, heaven and hell. honestly i don't think i grasped how endless eternity really is, until i read tuck everlasting about 2 years ago. sometimes it still scares me.

shall not ramble. shall be perfectly sane and calm.

do you ever feel your pulse beating in your fingertips? i mean everyone can hear their hearts beating when they lie with their ears covered.. but how often does your pulse throb in your fingertips?

my scab is still scabby, i believe i'll use it to get out of pe tomorrow. can't get it infected you know!! shall study in a bit. will not indulge in existential angst. will instead indulge in selfmutilation. like picking at my scab. yuck. will not swear.
it must've been love.
9:43 pm

xoxo

Sunday, August 21

i thought of something perfectly cheery this afternoon.

i've forgotten it now.

like how i think up entire poems and then forget to write them down. and lose them forever. some call it stupidity. i call it my fate.

it must have been love, but it's over now.. - thanks to someone, i recieved that song an hour ago. needless to say it has improved my mood slightly. well. sort of. in a depressing way? hell.

i can't explain, but i'm trying to find a way out of this entire bullshit. everytime i get high the low's worse. and the lows follow the highs so much faster than the highs follow the lows. i know i know, shakespeare's wheel of fortune. but i'm human, i'm impatient for the highs and then i dread the lows.

whenever people touch the holes in my uniform and ask what the hell happened back there, i tell them someone tried to kill me. honestly, i have no idea. but everytime someone asks me, my story changes a little. haha. one day i'll run out of ideas.

i thought of your face and then realised i felt nothing. absolutely. nothing. yes you're fwah, but i'm the deep sea fish. actually i'm proud of being the resident deep sea fish. it gratifies me to think that i'm untouchable. that you can't come near me. that you can't hurt me. that i don't give a shit about anyone.. except my friends of course. i realise i've become so vulgar. i tripped and fell and bruised my already bruised knee, and hissed out the f-word. i never did that before. deep sea fish don't swear. do they?

the hell with love. whether i really believe that or not.. is relative. hah!

It Must Have Been Love - Roxette

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
Leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely, there’s air of silence
In the bedroom and all around.
Touch me now,
I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it’s over now.
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it’s over now.
From the moment we touched ’til the time had run out.

Make-believing we’re together,
That I’m sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I’ve turned to water
Like a teardrop in your palm.
And it’s a hard winter’s day, I dream away.

It must have been love but it’s over now,
It was all that I wanted, now I’m living without.
It must have been love but it’s over now,
It’s where the water flows, it’s where the wind blows.

and love too, is relative to the amount of pain you endure giving and recieving it.
it must've been love.
10:20 pm

xoxo

Saturday, August 20

remember me saying last year that thank goodness i'm no longer the freak i was in sec2? when i took that personality disorder test i took back then? well. i just took it again. MY GOD I AM A FREAK. it's even worse than it was in sec2. there. my dreams of being normal have just flown out of the window. i hate what this year has done to me. i hate myself for letting it. and most of all i hate myself for not being someone else.


it must've been love.
5:54 pm

xoxo



ally: there is yet another ulterior motive behind my decision to aspire to the glorious servant-hood of teaching. to get back what i [what WE] once had. do you realise, if you join me and we both go somewhere together.. we'll be together forever? it's not like school, where you spend a few years together and then graduate to different places. when you work, esp with this wooden rice bowl job, you don't have to move your ass until you retire. consider that!

jean: i tried writing to you. and then i crossed it out. and wrote something else. crossed that out too. that sheet of paper's now crushed and crumpled, lying in the damned bin. because i've never known when too much is too much. i guess this is one of those situations where i should just shut up right? i guess i'll just say - you've always seemed to lead the perfect life; you've had everything. like someone once said, you're the girl every girl wants to be. i know sometimes you struggle to balance things, and sometimes they really are impossible to balance. loneliness was never really a problem was it? at least not after primary school. i guess some people adjust better, and you haven't gotten to the stage where you're willing to move on yet. you've got so much now. you've always had. would you honestly give any of that up, for something that could be potentially worth less in the eyes of the world? the world judges us - we succumb. everyone does. some are just in denial. i don't know what i'm trying to say. i just know that we're fundamentally the same in our outlook and values. neither of us has moved on. neither of us wants to. the biggest difference between you and me is that you embody what could have happened to me if God hadn't rushed through the job and made such a mess of it. i say this at the risk of hell's fire. but if i am afraid to speak now, when will i ever?

and now i feel like shit. the word 'shit' says so much huh. literally. when i'm in trouble i say 'oh shit'. confusingly [for other people] when i'm terribly happy i say 'oh shit' as well. it describes a variety of emotional downs and situations. how fitting, that it is a four-letter word. like love.

yesterday was fine and dandy until i got home and my mother started picking on me and i turned off the lights and closed the door. enrolement was a mess [as expected] and icf was all right. the real highlight of the day was the time i got to spend with all of you. i realise the sa girls really do wear incredibly short skirts. when nanz bends over i can see her shorts. read the plc 03/04 blog for details.

strength is relative. relative to the burden thrust upon each unwitting mule.
it must've been love.
3:25 pm

xoxo

Thursday, August 18

in my attempt to be politically correct i realise that i really can't say anything, can i?

or we could do this vaguely.

1. when i'm alone in a foreign land, i get defensive. when i get defensive i also get hostile. when i get hostile it comes out through my mouth. so let's try not to leave me alone in a foreign land?

2. i am terrible at my studies.

3. i kinda like the song ti or or. whatever. or tian hei hei in chinese. however you spell it. it sounds very sweet and mari claims it sounds good on the piano. i am attempting to be bilingual here.

4. only girly girls fold up their sleeves.. right?

5. and only girl girls wear short skirts.. right?

6. so basically.. i'm an idiot.. right?

7. buahahaha. as if you'd know. hur. sigh i really am an idiot.

8. i wrote a birthday haiku for huiying on the spot during history yesterday. it was titled Public Reaction to the Death of the First World Dictator. i think. i can't rmb how it went except all the tortured homophobes were really happy and she said it's her birthday, how could i write about her death? hey at least i tried! never wrote a haiku before. heh heh. aren't you glad i don't attempt awful poetry for your birthdays?

9. i'm in love with the alchemist. still. i wonder why i don't tire of songs.

10. i haven't played the piano in 2 days and i feel terrible because my piano teacher scolded me. =( what if i don't pass my grade 7? why am i still only at grade 7? i've been playing the piano since i was 4! maybe i should take my 8 next year. like my grades can get any worse anyway.

11. i have an awful lot of homework to copy. darn. i ought to start doing my homework seriously. if only i weren't so busy doing other things.

12. are you afraid of my calling him a plank because he looks like one?

13. i bloody put on weight.

there.
it must've been love.
11:26 pm

xoxo

Wednesday, August 17

i actually had a lot to say. but given my decision to blog like everyone else, it really limits my scope.

math test sucked. i drew the wrong net and therefore everything's wrong. hooray.

janet got full marks for her econs test. i hate you, janet. haha no kidding, you know i love you. i saw her name flashed up on the visualiser and cried out, what? janet got full marks? she didn't tell me, that ass!! yeah janet chang you never tell me things. and i tell you everything! except who's my eyecandy. hahahahahha

felt really down today even though nothing bad happened. well nothing good happened either. well today was just a horrible day for me. i am not going to think about it further because happy people don't think. i am just going to let it go.

one reason i've more or less decided on my future is because i don't see much of one. no goals, no drive, no determination. my sister said my mother can withdraw her cpf money already, but she only wants to give her half because the other half is for me. i don't need much. just enough for a course at nus. she might as well take the rest because she's gonna go to a good uni and study really hard and earn loads of money and prestige. besides, they'll pay me to study at nie. so she can use the money to go get her honours and masters and everything else. i'm resigned to my fate as a low-profile failure.

there i've depressed myself again.

i don't want to have an 'old soul'. it renders me unable to appreciate certain forms of silliness. and then i just look like some crabby uptight person, when really i just want to sit and think.

whalagai calagant youlagu seelagee thalagat alagai alagam solago lolagost wilagith-olagout youlagu.

i'm not auditory. i'm visual.
it must've been love.
8:44 pm

xoxo

Monday, August 15

went to school today just to take the econs timed assignment cos i figured it's better to get it over and done with. unfortunately i did not foresee dropping to the floor suddenly for no known reason while attempting to walk from the class bench to chinese high. i think i stunned annie - we were talking halfway when i suddenly fell and cut my knee on the damned china-imported tiles that stick out. so now i have painful blisters on both my feet and a badly cut knee. hooray for accident-prone me. decided to go home after econs. doctor seemed vastly amused by my account of the incident. i have a record of doing odd things like letting glasses of water slip out of my hand, etc. generally leads to my mother dragging me to the doctor. this time i refused to let her bandage my knee. i am convinced the whole thing happened cos i'm still sick and sniffly. and have bad psychomotor skills.

my sister, the future lawyer, just showed me her gp essay. 44/50. yes yes everyone kowtow please. i'm still reeling somewhat from the shock. well now. at least now my parents know for sure where the brains in the gene pool went.

i am trying not to move my legs at all. i think there's going to be a very bad bruise. not to mention the skin was torn in various places and the main cut is pretty deep. i hate the hwachong tiles. why can't they get normal smooth ones that don't bits jutting out at awkward places? i always knew this was going to happen one day! of course having such tiles is a health hazard when you have legs that are prone to letting you down without warning. to bandage or not to bandage.. it stings everytime i move too fast.

i was rumaging through my sister's bookshelf just now -heh heh- to find a book to read to sleep. happened to glance at a picture of her and her primary schoolmates. funny how she never talks about them nowadays. and i realise i don't talk about dee, qing and sher anymore. long gone seem the days when they'd tag regularly at my blog. maybe my password really is too hard to remember. it's only been all of 5 years. in 10 years, where will we be?

i just know there is going to be an awful awful ugly scar on my knee for the rest of time. damn you, hwachong tile!! so now i'll have an ugly scarred face, ugly scarred heels, ugly scarred hands [random cuts from goodness knows where] and an ugly scarred knee!

mari drew a scary comparison to van gogh the other day. i refuse to consider the idea of my being like him. no way, he cut off a large part of his ear and gave it to a prostitute! plus everyone he loved didn't love him back. i flatter myself that i will never cut off my own ear voluntarily and give it to a prostitute since hopefully i won't know any in the near future. the love bit is ambiguous *cough*. anyway. conclusion of the matter. i refuse to grow up overly emotional and angsty and everything else that seems to be associated with creativity and whathaveyou. therefore from now on i will suppress anything that isn't remotely chirpy or superficial. i really am scared of dying psychotic.

before i shut down my brain, i'd like to say something. this morning it suddenly occured to me to wonder about this: what if i'm really schizo, and all of you are just a dream? maybe i've been writing to imaginary people, meeting no-one for lunch and talking to silence on the phone. or.. what if you are the schizophrenic, and i don't exist? *evil laughter* i scared myself so much i didn't linger in the bathroom long enough to put on my contacts. yes, that is the real reason why i wore glasses today. i just didn't want to get laughed / stared at in school.

and from now on i shall be a very productive person who will go to school everyday and never ocp or go to the sickbay unless she's dying, or skip pe unless she's really unable to participate [i can't swim tomorrow, i don't need an infection on top of everything else]. i will also henceforth adopt a positive attitude towards life [or lack thereof] and stop thinking about the past [everyone cheer please]. and if all this doesn't tire me to death, i will do my homework and study for tests and exams! yay! =D if i smile any wider my face will crack. heh. but i am not going to give up my sad songs, go sniff glue, i don't care about you.
it must've been love.
5:31 pm

xoxo

Sunday, August 14

didn't go to church today. *honks nose pointedly* slept the day away instead. i love sleeping. that warm drowsy feeling you get when you're lying on your bed hugging your bolster with the comforter wrapped snugly around you.. and your mind wandering, wandering.. and you feel yourself drifting slowly away, further and further down.. through the ever darkening layers of semi-consciousness.. to that land of imagination where the impossible is always achieved and reality is undefined. even though you know you're only dreaming.. it just feels so right somehow. all the wrongs become right and the rights aren't worth dreaming about.

picked up a book in my parents' room hunting for tissue paper. 'the homosexual agenda'. i realise there is a lot of truth in it, but i also think that the book is too biased. talk about emotive language! if someone can actually write a complete un-biased book on the evils of homosexuality that does not condemn any person, i believe the whole concept will sell better. oh well.

the alchemist is still playing on my stereo. my sister says it grows on her. =D well it more of ate into me than grew on me. imagine. seeping slowly through the cracks of your consciousness.. entering you.. becoming you.. til you can't breathe can't sleep can't live. that's music to me. fatal obsession? maybe. if i could turn this dust to gold, you'd see it clearly, trying to earn your love is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy.

i'm watching the tealeaves unfurl in my mug. they say people are like teabags. you only know what you're capable of when you're put in hot water. well i've been stewing in hot water for a long time, i'm probably too angsty and tough a teabag, maybe i'll produce something worthwhile in boiling water. or boiling mercury? i think love is like tealeaves. you only taste its real flavour when you pour hot water over it. then it unfurls slowly, painfully, to reveal its vulnerablity.

sometimes i think what i long for isn't really love in itself. it's really just affection. that warm feeling you get when you're lying against someone you really love and trust, cos you know that person won't get up suddenly and let you fall. things like how genevieve-not-a-hammie's the best person to lay your head on and fling your arms around. and how janet can smell me before she looks up and sees me! maybe i'm just a snuggly, cuddly sort of person. damnit i sound like a hamster.

things i have to do today:
1. plan essay outlines for 3 different econs questions for tomorrow's timed assignment. i hope no one sneaks in a previously-done essay and hands it up again. sickening the depths to which people sink for grades in hwachong, isn't it?
2. do lit homework because i don't fancy getting thrown out of class. i used to be so enthusiastic about doing lit homework in sec sch! i think chris was the catalyst. =( well now i just have to motivate myself.
3. study tingxie. i really pity the chinese teacher, we are awful to him.
4. do math homework. ditto above. no time to start preparing for wed's math test. all this is going to take approximately the rest of my life. *sighs deeply* and i left my calculator at jean's house. wonder how i'll do the test on wed.

bev and i were talking about how love's nothing but cliched bullshit. well. she says it's cliche, and i'm convinced it's both cliche and bullshit. i realised how awfully true that is when i was at the doctor's yesterday waiting for my turn. i wrote a short piece on my phone. at first i meant to use the term ' love' instead of ' affection' but i realised how horribly overused that word is. so i'll let affection be the tool through which love is shown. but love in general is so cliche! counting everything i've ever written, i realise the proportion of love-related items are startling. i mean, there's unrequited love, which is self-explanatory. angsty love, which can also be read as the 'damnit-fate-is-against-us' situation. unwanted love, also self-explanatory. scary love, related to unwanted love. and of course, happily-ever-after love! i'm sure there are other categories but you get my drift. i'm sick of being in love with love, but i can't seem to find a way out of this crazy cycle. i think i have to go and fall in love with something else completely isolated from this sickening topic. unfortunately nothing is.

maybe the art of alchemy? hurhurhur.

i prefer angsting to actually doing something constructive about my situation. so really i'm just an empty vessel making a great deal of noise huh. *shoots self* byebye.

in my dreams i'll always see you soar above the skies, in my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life.
it must've been love.
3:33 pm

xoxo

Saturday, August 13

didn't go to school today. on mc. which i had to pay for myself. $20. good grief. i paid almost $10 cabbing home from jean's house. i feel very very poor indeed. sigh. not to mention i got told off by the doctor when i said i didn't want any medication as i'm taking something from the chinese doctor [i have something to take but it makes me drowsy so i don't]. well originally i'd planned to tell the truth that i simply can't afford medicine! sniff.

i really ought to discuss some things with sam soon. but i'm just so lazyyy. we've left the issues of testwork and COH dangling for ages. sigh. funny the woman hasn't emailed about testing us for our warrents. or did her email go into the junk folder again?

we were talking about gen's sister's boyfriend again last night. they really do make a good couple! so sweet. sigh. haha. and then i remembered that gen once said christy's like me, only worse. so i'd have to find someone sweet and accomodating right? i have this sinking feeling in my gut that i'll just end up quarreling with the person all the time. should stop having something to say about everything.

so much workk to do. prepare for econs timed assignment. study for math test. chinese hwk. study tingxie. math hwk [a lot of tutorials. whoops]. lit. and that's just for this week alone!! *stresses out*

duty before self, but which duty and which self? if left to myself, with no parents or teachers to nag, i'd definitely choose relationships over studies. since my studies aren't that great anyway and it's not like i'm on my way to some great career. but every time i do that, i get told off by parents and teachers alike. can't they see - i have entirely different priorities. i don't see the point in pushing my way to the top, if i have to be alone. i'd rather be the wind beneath someone else's wings. besides, that person probably deserves better, would probably be able to go further than me. but they never understand when i try to bring my point across. i realise it sounds irrational. but i'm not just selling myself short.. i've got my own moral code now. as long as i keep to it, all these dilemmas should fade.. right? the biggest issue i'll ever have to deal with is probably envy. and maybe poverty in the near future.

sometimes i think i'm masochistic. my heels are clear evidence of that. and.. fwah. i don't know why i do these things to myself, seriously. i could settle for something else, possibly something else better, i have no idea. but i insist on making myself miserable hankering after something i will never ever have. can't believe, can hardly breathe without you by my side, i know that i could build a tower out of steel and stone but trying to build a bridge to you is something i can't seem to do.

jean said last night that the song's tune isn't that nice although the words are. but there's something about the tune.. that somewhat haunting melody.. it seems like a parody of a nursery rhyme to me, or a child's song. that gentle repetition, so deceptively simple in itself. its sheer simplicity juxtaposed against the weighted words.. seems almost a mockery. if i could turn this dust to gold, you'd see it clearly.. trying to earn your love is like trying to learn the art of alchemy.

eating nonstop. this cannot be good for my sore throat. or runny nose. or cough. ahh heck. -coughs lungs out-

if there is just one thing i want to remember til the day i die, it's the way your smile lights up the room.
it must've been love.
5:23 pm

xoxo

Friday, August 12

jean is bathingggg. she says my blisters are really quite bad. hah! see i was not being that melodramatic after all. they hurt less now. less exruciating, more plain painful.

shit nose feels weird. poor jean. i hope she doesn't fall sick.

thinking of.. people. non-fwah. i remember getting chris's email and crying when i saw her pictures cos i miss her smile so much. and just now when we were watching the video the sa people made for van, i felt my heart hurt a little because i missed everyone so much.. crazy emm.. jinghui.. and joankang, that irrepressible waver.

i'm still in love with the alchemist. like that should be very surprising huh. pity jean. i burnt it into a cd cos i knew i wouldn't be able to live without it. but she isn't complaining.. yet. maybe she can't hear. *shrugs*

i think i have to stop breathing or jean'll fall sick. her keyboard is spoilt. the j's don't turn out nicely. i think she uses that key too often. hurhur. slept in the sickbay today. went to sleep looking relatively human and woke up looking like tweety. i give up.

trying to earn your love is like trying to learn the art of alchemy.

i have so much to say, but i'm not sure how to say it. have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?

my worst fault isn't that i'm proud. it's that i'm a jealous person. that's worse, isn't it? i look at her, and i wonder if i'm being replaced. don't tell me i'm not; i can't believe you. i know i'm replacable, i'm expandable, and i wonder just when this expiry date will come.

chris i wish you were here.
it must've been love.
10:38 pm

xoxo

Thursday, August 11

The Alchemist - Russell Watson

In the desert where almost nothing grows
you'll find the most beautiful rose
takes its name from Jericho
a miracle of life
I know a place I can't deny
where even a Jericho rose would die
The desert of your heart's where I am trying to survive

Can't control this
can't let go this
feeling is all I have
I know that...

I could build a tower out of steel and stone
but trying to build a bridge to you
is something I can't seem to do
If I could turn this dust to gold
you'd see it clearly
Trying to earn your love
is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy

The measure of a woman's heart
is just how deep and just how far
a secret can be kept
till it is only distant memory
My emotions fall on stony ground
I wear them just like hand-me-downs
because I know the secret is the love
that you have for me

I can't believe
can hardly breathe
without you by my side
I know that...

I could build a tower out of steel and stone
but trying to build a bridge to you
is something I can't seem to do
If I could turn this dust to gold
you'd see it clearly
Trying to earn your love
is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy

How could life be the same
if I find I loved in vain
The dream I have every night
is to wake with you by my side

I could build a tower out of steel and stone
but trying to build a bridge to you
is something I can't seem to do
If I could turn this dust to gold
you'd see it clearly
Trying to earn your love
is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy

Trying to earn your love
is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy.

[ i love this song. one of those heartwrenching ones. how do i explain.. that trying to earn your love is like trying to learn the art of alchemy..]

it must've been love.
9:42 pm

xoxo



for someone who prides herself on enduring great amounts of pain [exclusive of exercise], i certainly am melodramatic when it comes to expressing the aforementioned pain. good God the back of my heels really do hurt! i finally know the sensation of being skinned alive slowly and literally. yes i think i said this the other day when i first wore those shoes. oh the exquisite pain of beauty.

honestly though, those shoes are pretty. almost.. almost worth the agony. i am not exaggerating the pain. although i admit i am melodramatic. if you want to see red raw skin, look for me after class. i've been whipping my feet out of my shoes to show everyone =D i am sadistic enough to ruin their appetites as well as mine.

back to excruciating pain. due to the price tag [$43 is admittedly steep for an on-sale pair of shoes when i only get $6 a day! and i don't even give tuition anymore. oh woe is my bank account!] i cannot tell my mother that they gave me blisters. mainly because i promised to wear them frequently. i'll just have to wear blue for a month until the backs of my heels heal and then i'll break them in.. slowly. they're just a little bit hard right now. plus my stupid easily bruised skin of course.

oh and excruciating pain number two. this one's emotionally scarring though. i had a hair cut! okay i'll put it plainly. my hair used to suck. now it still sucks. in an entirely different way though. i was still having my june haircut right up til.. yesterday. then i decided that august needs an entirely new fringe, and went to a new salon. this hair stylist persuaded me to cut a fringe. i have no idea why i believed her except she said i should cover my forehead because it's a bit narrow. besides the fact that she was somewhat attractive and i'm always persuaded by a certain sort of eyes. and i'm just horribly vulnerable where my hair is concerned i guess. enough excuses! i made the foolish mistake of allowing her to cut my fringe. yes. sigh. jean and i take turns to look like tweety bird. well. i bought wax, as kindly suggested *coughcough* and i hope i look more like bugs bunny than tweety tomorrow. we'll see.

hee i'm staying over at jean's tomorrow! yay!! i love her!! =D =D we'll stay up all night giggling under the covers.. eating til we're way too full for our own good.. who needs romance with friends like these? =D

page has gotten anti-social. sigh. why do pets have to turn out like their owners? now she's mean, fidgety, anti-social and eats too much.
it must've been love.
7:54 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, August 9

my mother says hwachong specialises in building ugly things / making people uncomfortable. i agree with her entirely. and i think i specialise in hurting myself. i just had to buy those elfin shoes huh. i didn't realise they'd give me blisters. well they did. =( there is something wrong with my skin. it's very sensitive. i wore the shoes for all of ten minutes and the skin peeled off my heels. limped to guardian and bought plasters. sigh the price to pay for pretty elfin shoes. i bought them at the risk of sealing my reputation as a girly girl, but i wanted flat covered shoes because all i have are open toed sandals / heels. walked all over the place before jean, jan and bev convinced me that a really pretty pair of pale pink elfin-toed shoes with 'florence embroidery' on it suited me. and i had to promise my mother that i'd wear them frequently cos they cost all of $50smth. i have since kissed the skin on my heels goodbye. but there is no way in hell or under heaven that i am admitting to her they hurt my feet! no siree. even heels don't hurt this much *groan* i truly specialise in finding new ways to hurt myself.

very proud of myself indeed. swam for all of ten minutes before spotting a millipede and racing out of the pool. had to unpick half my stitches because i made a minor mistake way up in the piece. sigh. typical of life huh. spend half my life making up for previous mistakes.

argh i have 2 major grouses right now: my heel bloody hurts damnit the skin's peeling off and we're screwed for pw. oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we begin to decieve!
it must've been love.
9:26 pm

xoxo

Monday, August 8

i stood up there in the gallery today, watching the masses of people below. i stood apart from my classmates, behind them, leaning against the fire escape ladder. and for once i was on the outside, looking in. i saw the sheer joy on their faces as they put their arms around each other and hopped bunny-like to the music. it didn't matter to them that they didn't know half the lyrics. i guess it never does. i saw janet too. she looked so happy, with her arms about her friends. her class stood in a circle, moving clumsily to the music. i saw someone else near her - someone wearing red and black, someone.. -fwah. but that's irrelevant. i guess. i thought back to last year, of jean with her arm around me on one side and siti on the other. i thought of us laughing as we sang the words of the songs and [attempting] to dance. i thought of us doing the can-can, and how it never mattered that we stepped on each others' toes. i thought of us. then i realised there really isn't much point in that, is there? there's no more 'us' - that's a fact. i saw janet. she was smiling at one of her friends, and chattering excitedly. and i moved down to join my class.

mother, you never understood.

hanging around candy too much isn't a good idea. i'm supposed to be the cynical one! not supposed to believe [ or fall] in love. i scoff at bgr and turn my nose up at so-called romance. but somehow i started thinking.. of requirements. they're pretty easy to think of. 1. musically inclined. 2. linguistic [chinese optional] 3. taller than me. 4. has dimples 5. doesn't mind my nonsense. 6. has own moral code. hehhhh.

dipsy got me worrying today. she wants to buy me a rocking chair for my next birthday because she saw me cross-stitching. yes yes, i'm seventeen going on seventy. whatever, dipsy. but it really does worry me. it's quite one thing to be called an old soul, and quite another to be called old in general! i am not old. i can't help it you're an immature prat, now can i?
it must've been love.
9:29 pm

xoxo

Friday, August 5


it must've been love.
10:45 pm

xoxo

Thursday, August 4

i don't know why i'm so blind sometimes. and so, so incredibly selfish.

our maid's been around for a couple of months.. i used to wonder if she didn't get bored cooped up at home all day since she didn't want any off days.. and she asked for my magazines to read. just now during dinner, i asked my mother if she thought mary got bored staying at home by herself. she called mary out and asked her, but mary didn't seem to know how to give a politically correct answer. i mentioned to my mother that maybe it would be nice to take mary out to watch a movie and maybe shop over the national day break. later when i went into the kitchen mary said, ' you know, about what you asked me just now.. how would you feel if you stayed in your room for a week?' i guess there's something about the way she said it, but i couldn't meet her eyes. she's coming to church with us this week though, and she seems okay with the movie idea even though she doesn't have any fancy clothes here. must remember to tell her she can play with page if she wants to.

i wonder why all the teachers hate our class. okay fine i don't really wonder. if i were them, i would too. shit. history written assignment tomorrow. i bet i'll do horribly and get picked on by mdm tay again. sense of impending doom. i just can't get history. the whole approach. and no one taking history seems to know exactly what the approach is either, it's just something they've been trained to do since secondary school while i was happily doing king of the castle. oh wonderful life. i shall ask suzanna for help on sunday in church. days like these i miss my triple science days. life was a whole lot more straightforward then huh. or am i only dreaming?

who do you love? who do you need? you're messing up my life.. wasting all my time.. who do you love? what do you feel? stop playing with my heart, you're tearing me apart.. am i the one who can make you fly up above? is it me who can take you higher than you're dreaming of? now who do you love? --> moffats.
it must've been love.
7:46 pm

xoxo

Tuesday, August 2

page has gotten herself into the mini shelf ally gave me for christmas and won't come out. when i tried to wheedle / prod her gently out, she made that rrr-ing noise like a toy winding up. yikes. sounds like she's chewing on the wood now. getting less shy but more edgy. she flinches when i move and runs away. i hope she gets used to me soon. i don't want my pet to hate me. haha.

turns out my father's been wearing my mother's shoes. they're black, covered flat shoes. quite hilarious because i thought she was just trying to be funny when she accused him of wearing her shoes a few months ago. turns out they're really hers though. haha she wants to know why his secretary didn't ask him why he's wearing his wife's shoes.

page chewed my key, a few pictures and my nail buffer. oh well at least someone's happy.

econs test tomorrow. oh die. i have to start studying soon. skipped pe just now to write my lit conclusion. opened my econs in an attempt to study and ended up flat on my face, sound asleep. last night was pretty exciting. there was a blackout for a couple of hours. had about a ton of work to do, so lit a few candles and got down to it. let me assure you, there are few things in the world as unnerving as writing a gothic essay by a flickering yellow candlelight, with your hamster happily bouncing on her wheel in the corner of your dark, silent room and your mother shuffling about outside on the landing. after a while my mother stopped shuffling about and came in to play with page.

loaded pics of her!! click here. =D yes yes i take an awful lot of pictures of her, but she's mine so there! =D my gosh just imagine if i were attached. hahahahah
it must've been love.
7:38 pm

xoxo

it's over;
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
July 2006
August 2006